Thoughts III.

Hmmm, thinking, mind is racing, thoughts speeding by my like I'm walking in an autocross race.  This crush is weird as fuck, so I called, did what I meant to do during the phone call, yet froze up and had no idea what else to say to her afterward. I feel like such a fucking dork. So, I am not sure, I like talking to her, yet I have no idea what to say. I wish to get to know her better but, I choke as to say.

 

Kyle[Alexander]is out like FILA.

Lifted.

Oh shit, eyes sitting type low, but I live for it. The feeling rips through my body entering my soul in its most purest form. I feel like Usher's in "Love You Gently". It loves me gently, sweeping me in to a  harmonizing state. It just perfect, an un-cloud mind. 

I'm not even sure right now, maybe one day, something. Dorian was right. Yet, women just leave  me speechless.

Kyle[Alexander]Out.

Thoughts II.

I guess this an ongoing running of my thoughts, as I let the melodies seep into my veins and control my mind. As I read the blogs of a younger self and see where I have changed and places I haven't it amazes me that, I was once the person who took the time to write such things. This person, is gone for the better for the most part. Yet, I will always feel my eyes are the gateway to my soul which will lead you to the person Kyle really is. I will let the music engulf me and take me to another world unknown to the rest. A place where complete bliss surrounds me and I can think clearly.

The next thought is that of a crush, in which I hope it may develop into a liking when the time comes. I have grown and am shedding that shy outer shell for an adult confident one . I know enough to know she's pretty fucking awesome and doesn't make me feel like the nerd I am. She even likes when I sing, but I can't. I still get nervous though, not too much though. I am still a hopeless romantic and that might make shit harder. I have taken one step toward her, fearing of the five I make take backward from her.

Hmmm, it's almost five in the morning. I guess I will venture to my apartment now.

Till next time.

Mister Kyle.

LateNight[Thoughts].

Shit has been quite different, entering a new environment, yet I seem to like it. With a clouded mind, I wonder if opening up with any soul is the right thing? Maturing in ways I would of never imagined possible. Seems still, I am not sure if the person Kyle has grown to be is a person one should involve one's self with, or maybe he's nervous. I realize, I have a habit of taking one step forward and five back, seems like it keeps me from most who doesn't understand. Most times I cannot think straight, yet I force a feasible smile and clear statement.

Back to the reality inside of this mind of mine.

Unknown[Apology].

Before I can continue this blog any farther, I have one friend who I feel extremely bad about, and for that I owe you an apology. I know it can't take back what had transpired recently, but do know that my sincerest apology is what I do offer.

Yet, I did learn something. Kyle can't be Kyle even yet. The sanctity of my trust was yet once again broken. Yet, I will be calm and revert back to the person I once was. Trust, is something distant and far in the world that I live in, and it always seems if I attempt to open up one person ruins it for the rest of the world. Only one understand the struggle it is to go on each day and to show the fabrications of a smile I put on for each and every one of you. Yet, you continue to push me father into the abyss with hopes and smiles of glee upon your faces.

Thanks, you've lost Kyle more.

Unknown II.

Lost causes. Not even sure, years maybe wasted. I don't know. I do know Kyle is really gone, who knows where, I know he doesn't care. There's another world inside his mind he runs off to when this shitty thing they call reality comes in to play and he's fed up, so he can grab a hold of sanity. Fuck if he knows. Feelings are for the foolish, he discovered it while being an hard-headed idiot. So he ran off even farther, dare to try and catch him? I doubt you can or will ever, unless he findsthe willingness to go. Enter with caution when it comes to Kyle, the intenseness of emotion I know you can't handle.

Unknown.

Some say death before dishonor, I feel death before discontentment. So where does that leave me? Dishonoring the sanctity of the mind, leaving I with the discontentment of the soul. No, Kyle does not type shit to seem cool or prolific, this is truth. When I say it not, this is what is on the surface of my mind, when it passes the point I'm scared even music can't push I from. Then I lie, I lie with a smile. Fabrications of happiness overshadow the pain and confusion in one such as I. Yet, you still can't handle it so why continue? In vain I speak and hope someone understands.

People

So, of the few that have scratched the surface with Kyle will know that just because I am nice to you, does not essentially mean I like you. If I do, I will tell you, lol. For some odd reason people take my niceness for more. I am just that type of person. I am a gentleman, I believe in chivalry. I will hold the doors for a woman whether I like you or not. Yet, some take it as liking them. Seems funny to me.

Even if I like you, doesn't mean shit. For me to even consider dating you, I'd have to see something meaningful between us. Even then, I have to know you, more than scratch the surface. Friends are what's needed, I can suffice with me, myself and I. Nothing serious, just someone I can chill with, watch some TV and take a nap with. I am not the extra type of man, just the simple shit makes me happy. Relationships aren't needed for such. When the time comes and [[she]] enters my life, then we'll see. Until this.

Mister[Cold-Hearted] signs out.

Thinking.

So, I decided that I want to write a book. Yet, I have lost the motivation that I had just had. I ended up breaking my own heart. Kind of sucks, but I blame no one but myself. What can I do?  I am who I am, you love who you love. I cannot change it although I wish I could sometimes.  Without the romantic views, I can go through with taking testosterone therapy. I am still nervous about it, but I have an awesome professor who is willing to help me and be patient. I am not the first student he has had with Gender Identity issues as such. Yet, I am the first who wants pronouns of the opposite gender used. Shit, release this thing called love out my system I will write again.

Eighteen years later. Part III [Present day]

The past year I have started to discover myself and who I am. I am not the person who I have been made to portray my self as. I am Kyle, and a man. I dislike the use of female pronouns used against my person. I am a young man, although I prefer the term manboy. I wake up each morning realizing that I am who I am for a reason. I don't think Gender Identity is a disorder. Most people don't understand it, or will accept it. I do though. Sometimes I contemplate taking testosterone therapy(T shots), but if I do my family will have nothing to do with me. Most are not religious but culturally it will not work. When I was younger I even wanted sexual reassignment, but as the years go by I doubt it. an STP(Stand -to-pee) device will suffice. Like the picture infers... Hand on my nutsack bitch!

Eighteen years later. Part II

For the next eleven or twelve years I go though conflicts, anger and depression. I began to cut myself, think down of myself and even pop pills. I would buy scar creams to keep it hidden. Yet, I could not hide from myself. In my heart, my mind, my soul, I felt not what my body portrayed my as. I felt like a boy at heart, so were my mannerisms for the most part.Yes, there are some feminine attributes, but they make me unique. I'd try and pass for a boy sometimes. I would try to deepen my voice. Then I hit rock bottom. I felt like giving up completely and I did not know what to do, who to turn to, if I was all alone. I was facing this on my lonesome.
Then I decided to look online, and read. I read about GID(Gender Identity Disorder) and everything made sense. I might have this so called GID, but I didn't believe anything was wrong with me.

Eighteen years later. Part I

Damn, can you believe it? That was me eighteen years ago. Shit, hasn't changed much, except you will never catch me in a dress smiling. Yet, I do remember the first time I took notice of that picture, I was five years old. So there I was, five and seen this picture of me, bald. First thought was that I was a boy when I was born and now I am a girl. Simple thoughts of a child, I was ecstatic though. I had not had the theory that I was a male at one point in my life and now that I knew I would be able to revert back to one. Let's jump a hour later with me running to my mother. "Mommy, Mommy! Remember when I was a boy?!" "[birthname], you were never a boy." "Yes, I was mommy look" I said pointing to the picture. "You were just bald, you were never a boy and won't be one" There you go, my dreams were crushed. I thought I would one day grow up to be a man and mother told me otherwise.

Just let me.

I mean damn, what do I say? You don't understand the language that my tears speak, each one falling involuntarily, saying only what I wish I could tell you. I once said, love is when only her happiness is what matters. What if you want to be the happiness. What if it kills you everyday you wake up and you aren't? How do you tell her she is your world, that your love never once decreased, only increased over the time. When you hear her voice, you feel the same jumpiness you felt when you started to like her. Only a tear soaked pillow to comfort you when you know she is/was in another's arms. Just let me, I promised once before and I refuse to break it, always and forever.

Love hurts.

Damn.

I spoke with my friend yesterday, Shya. It's just fucking crazy, not really opening up, but just relating to the same situation, shit made the Kidd cry. Not, bawl, just let some tears flow and just hurt like a dagger being pierced through your front. I don't know, I can't tell her , I'm too scared to say anything, hell no, that's be just dumb, and it isn't my place too, I don't believe. It's almost like I am at stage one again, but not as bold. So, I'll just be discontented, an not because I don't know, just because I do. What do I do?

Until I get an answer, back to my discontentment.

Release.

I need to get this off my chest.
How do I explain it. I feel much better, I told her. Yet, I feel the sting of reality. Damn, shit's killing me slowly. As I mature, I realize that the facade of happiness, it cannot cut it. I don't even know how to word it. Fuck it.

Damn.

Shit, I have been doing a shit load of thinking and a little talking. Maybe I go for the wrong ones, or maybe, I'm just wrong. Who the fuck knows now a days? I sure as hell don't. I just know this isn't for me; I'm not meant to be the man they are making me into, yet I slowly become him. I transform, killing every ounce of love, kindness, and compassion that makes me Kyle. Fuck the bullshit of beating around the bush. I'm sad and discontent.

Fuck this shit. I'm out.

Sisters.

These two little women right here are simply awesome. I love them more then anything. Them and their sibblings make life worth living. Look at them. Teona and Deausjah. They both may be bad, yet their innocence shines through. Love in it's smallest form.

Thinking.

So, I'm sitting here right, at my sister's house. Jus' thinking. Mind wondering on many aspects of my life. Not even trying to be prolific and shit. Just thinking. Looking at the fish tank, watching them swim in the aquarium, enclosed. I feel enclosed to. My tank bigger then theirs, yet not a tank, a bio dome. I think again, maybe I am free, who knows today in the world. Females, what can I say about them, they catch my eye as stunning; some more than others, lol. They keep me on my toes, keep me striving for perfection within myself. Yet, being within close proximity of one I feel attracted to, whether it be mentally, psychically or both, I freeze. I choke, I get almost blinded by what I like about her what draws me to her like an insect to light. I can't pull away, then the inevitable happens, and I walk away head hung down. Shit, I'm shy, need I say more. I don't know.

.
Queersexual signing out.

My Moon Boot

I have had this on since last Friday, I get it off Monday the fifth. My surgeon, Dr. Dabney, told me I will get the pins removed from my hips that have been there since 2001. I no longer need then, nor do they need to be removed, unless they cause discomfort as they do I. Monday I will receive a splint.

Beginning.

This is the beginning of my new blog. I guess I need to write more, maybe express my self just a tad more. I will include: pictures, videos, random thoughts, and what ever else comes to mind.

So now I welcome you to
"Mind of a Queer"

Side note: Happy Birthday Bianca.